Cold Feet: a grown man’s guide to 5 different boots

Sometimes being a man is about showing up to a complicated situation with a pickup truck full of power tools and fixing the fuck out of a problem with sheer rock and roll testosterone. Other times it involves a thousand wild horses, a collection of antique rifles, and a home made religion. Most of the time, however, it involves being a reasonable fucking person with the common sense to dress for the weather.

Here is a list of boots I have owned and would recommend:

1) Bean Boots and Maine Hunting Shoe. I have worn a lot of these. They are extremely functional and have a pretty classic look. Nothing too edgy. They pair well with flannel shirts, facial hair and dark denim. Get them for your dad for his birthday etc. These are what I am wearing right now.

2) Viking Bushwacker. I prefer these to the Timberwolf for style reasons primarily, but the lower cut also means there are no hard rubber edges to dig into your leg. Put these ovens on for a trip to the hardware store or chainsaw convention. I wear mine with wool socks in the winter because they are waterproof, but not well insulated.

3) Mountaineering boots. These are tough. They take forever to break in, forever to tie up, and forever to die. They are definitely rugged and manly, but you can’t just kick them off, which is why they are better suited for mountaineering and other situations demanding performance over functionality. Anyone with the integrity to own and operate a pair of these is automatically promoted to lieutenant in my boot club.

4) Blundstones. I have a love-hate relationship with these boots. I’ve heard that they are loser-boots in Australia, but for some reason they are fetishized by idiots like you and me. They are really comfortable, super simple and extremely neutral style-wise. One of my neighbours wears them too. He is white and balding and has shitty dreadlocks down to his waist. He also wears a leather kilt. He smokes pot on his porch and looks at me like I’m insane. Love-to-hate/hate-to-love is more like it.

5) Motorcycle boots. Hands down the monster truck of macho-man shit-kickers. Actually, they’re not the right look for you. Please don’t buy a pair of these.